Trust Issues? Follow the 3 Principles of Healthy Relating
Recently someone asked me: “How do you build up trust in a relationship?” The question surprised me because I never considered trust to be a particularly important topic. When I thought about it I realised, though, that trust is a vital indicator of healthy relationships. In my partnership with my husband Matt there is a high level of trust on both sides.
We are in what I call a “Conscious Relationship”, meaning that we both relate from a place of awareness and we actively work on the relationship becoming more loving and a place of inner healing. So we do a lot of emotional work that increases trust but at the same time we pretty much had this level of trust from the beginning.
My husband and I, 2021
So how did we do it?
After pondering this question for a while I realised that trust naturally happens when relationships are healthy. And healthy relationships consist of three principles - if they are followed by everybody involved, it’s almost certain that there will be high levels of trust and connection in any relationship. So let’s get into it!
The 3 Principles Of Healthy Relating
If you’re struggling with trust in your relationships but also when you find it difficult to establish a fulfilling emotional connection you will find that usually one or more of the following aspects are not being lived in a relationship. You can use this to understand what’s going wrong in your relationships and also as inspiration what you could change in order for you to increase your level of trust and connection.
1) We Are A Team
A sure way to destroy trust in any relationship is when we know that we can’t count on someone to have our back or to doubt their good intentions towards us. That’s why acting like you are a team with your partner/friend/family member is so important for creating a healthy relationship in any setting. In romantic relationships the topic of “playing games” is a really big problem when starting out a new relationship. Many people think that it’s a positive thing to pretend that:
they are not interested in someone
deliberately not texting back
acting “bored”
pretending to like their partner’s/date’s friend to provoke a jealous reaction
Playing games is a good idea if you want to create a non-committed, friends-with-benefits type relationship - but it has no place when you are serious about someone! Most people do this because they are scared of being hurt and it makes sense but something potentially amazing always involves risk and you’ve got to be willing to take it!
Being a team means:
Looking out for each other’s best interest: not hurting each other on purpose, thinking about the other person when making a decision
Having each other’s back: not shaming them in front of others, not talking behind someones back
Cheering each other on: Being a positive force in each other’s life, giving encouragement, supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations
2) Respectful Communication
If I had a 1 min message to share with everyone in the world about how to develop better relationships, I would talk about respectful communication! Nothing destroys trust, intimacy, emotional connection, love, wanting to care and protect someone more than when people treat each other like doormats! We can call this violent communication and it includes:
Using an aggressive tone of voice
Lashing out at someone
Name calling
Blaming and shaming
Demanding
Belittling
Being spiteful etc.
Many people are not aware of how severely this impacts relationships, because they are so used to this style of communicating because it was normal when they were growing up. But once you dip your toes into respectful (we can also say “compassionate”) communication you become painfully aware how much violence is happening through communication.
I especially notice this between parents and children, where it is regarded as normal when parents shout at their children, belittle and shame them and command them around. It shocks me and with my work I want to contribute to changing this because this is the reason why so many adults communicate in such a disrespectful way.
So how can we communicate with more respect and compassion?
Noticing our feelings and communicating them directly:
Being aware of our needs and letting others now about them
Using observations instead of judgements
Making requests instead of demands
Taking everyone’s needs in consideration (also children’s!)
If you’re struggling to stay in respectful communication I recommend reading “Non-violent communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg - it’s a classic for a reason!
3) Openness
Without a level of openness we can’t establish connection and also other’s won’t trust us because they don’t know what we are about. So openness is crucial for healthy relationships because without it there is nothing to relate to, we cannot feel connected to a silent wall. However, what’s important here is that openness should slowly increase as the relationship progresses.
What do I mean by that?
There are some people (myself included) that are naturally very open and have a deep need to share with others how they are feeling, what they are thinking, what’s going on for them in every moment. This is a beautiful quality and really amazing for relationships and connection. But we need to be careful because this openness can also lead to difficulties in relationships and people getting hurt.
First of all, too much openness can be overwhelming for others. Especially when someone has weak boundaries, a really open person can feel like a bulldozer rolling over them. Secondly, open people can get hurt if they are oversharing with someone who’s not trustworthy. Many times in my life I shared something with someone out of pure excitement only to be met with disapproval, shame or misunderstanding - totally deflating my spirit and draining my joy.
After many years of blaming others and being angry about these kind of reactions, I realised that how I’m feeling is my responsibility and that I’m the one who can and should change my behaviour. Now I’m very selective with who I’m sharing my life with. Luckily I have my husband and best friend living with me, so I have someone who loves my openness and wants to know about my thoughts and feeling pretty much at all times. But there are moments when even Matt is not ready to hear me - he’s busy with a work project, he has other things on his mind or he’s simply not in the mood - and that’s okay!
But what about if you’re someone who’s struggling with trust and finds it really hard to open up? As outlined earlier, openness is important to build connection in a relationship but there is a safe way to understand if someone is trustworthy so that you know that it’s safe to slowly open up to that person. In this video I’ll explain how to this process of opening up to someone in a safe way works:
It’s Never Too Late To Change
No matter where you are at in your relationship journey with your partner, kids or family - you can always change the way your are interacting and incorporate the 3 principles of healthy relationships! It’s never too late, believe me! I’ve seen miraculous turn arounds of relationships that were thought to be irreparable - and the healing this brings to the people involved is incredible 💗
This is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about my work because I know what gift improving relationships brings to people’s lives. We are after all a group species - we need connection as much as we need air and water. And the blessing of a healthy relationship is what I wish for you and everybody I meet - there is simply nothing better!
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