How To Recognise Toxic Female Behaviour in Relationships
Feminism Has Made It Harder For Men To See Bad Behaviour
One of the shadow sides of feminism is that is has created the societal belief that in relationships men are always the perpetrators and woman always the victims.
This is a problem because in my coaching practice I often encounter men that get treated quite badly by their girlfriend or wife but shrug it off and say it’s “not too bad, it’s not like she physically hurts me or anything”.
However, I’ve even met men who’s partners were physically abusive (choking, kicking, slapping) and then they said “It’s not like she could really hurt me, I’m much stronger than her”.
Unfortunately, when we tolerate toxic behaviour in relationships it doesn’t just destroy our self esteem and confidence and potentially leads to addiction or depression. It also makes deeper connection and intimacy nearly impossible and those are two vital needs for our wellbeing in relationships.
So in this article I’ll explain how to recognise toxic female behaviour in relationships and how to put a stop to it and make respect and understanding the central value in your relationship.
3 Patterns Of Toxic Female Behaviour In Relationships:
Although there are many flavours of toxic female behaviour patterns, I’ll focus on the 3 most prevelant ones because I see on a daily basis how much damage they cause to relationships. The 3 patterns are:
Using emotions to get her way
Being hyper-critical
Control Issues
Toxic Female Behaviour #1: Using Emotions To Get Her Way
What I see over and over again is that women use emotions to get their way. This could be through:
Lashing out in an angry way until the man gives in just to keep the peace.
Starting to cry every time there is an argument, so that the man feels guilty and gives in.
Not displaying emotions directly but using them covertly in a passive aggressive way to get what she wants.
I’m not saying that women do this on purpose (there will be some but most women are very unconscious in this behaviour) but unfortunately it’s a strategy that often works.
The reason is that many men are not comfortable with emotions and so they would do almost anything in order to avoid them.
Solution: Separate Emotions From Decision Making
Make sure that in your relationship emotions gets separated from decision making. Tell your partner that from now on you want to make decisions as a team and find a win-win solution for any problem.
For this making decisions needs to be a rational, mature process. Should emotions come up, they will be dealt with separately. So for example, if you’re deciding where to go on holiday and your partner gets triggered and starts crying, stop the decision making process.
If you want you can support her in tending to her emotions. This means to help her understand why she is upset (which fears are there, which of her needs are missing) and assure her that her needs are important to you. Only after she’s calm again you continue with the decision making process.
Important here is that you truly look for a win-win solution, so that she feels that you have her best interest in mind, even if you don’t agree with her. Also, you need to set boundaries - if she doesn’t adhere to your new agreement (separating emotions from decision making), let her know that you won’t accept your old way of operating in your relationship.
If this is something you’re struggling with you book a coaching session with me. Boundaries and creating win-win situations are crucial relationship skills that will help you feel amazing in relationships and finally feel like you’re a team with your partner!
Toxic Female Behaviour #2: Being Hyper-Critical
Another toxic female behaviour in relationships is being hyper critical. Again, this is something I witness in my coaching practice again and again, both from female clients trying to change this pattern and male clients feeling demoralised by a hyper critical partner.
The problem with having a hyper critical partner is that it slowly chips away from your self esteem until you doubt your own intelligence, talents and worth.
The reason for this behaviour is often an unconscious power struggle. People who are hyper critical tend to feel insecure and anxious inside and so they try to stay in control through keeping other people small.
In my experience, many women are not conscious of this behaviour! They either copy their parents or are around other critical people and so they have normalised this as “being honest”. This is a false argument, though, because you can be honest in a kind way and picking apart your partners clothing choices (or hairstyle, hobbies, career etc.) does not count as “helpful honesty” - it’s just rude!
Solution: Make Respect A Central Value In Your Relationship
No one can thrive under constant criticism - not even the person who is critical! I speak from own experience because I used to be hyper critical towards my husband and I really didn’t like myself during this time! I didn’t wanted to be so critical but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“No one can thrive under constant criticism - not even the person who is critical! ”
What helped me to let go of this behaviour was when my husband and I agreed that from now on respect would be the central value of our relationship. From that moment on I would become conscious every time I was critical towards my husband and stop myself and asked: “How could I say this in a respectful way? Is it even necessary to say this?”
- My husband Matt and I -
Also, my husband created boundaries around my behaviour. If I would slip into old patterns, he said: “Veronika, you are being disrespectful right now. Please stop.” or “I notice you are starting to become critical. Let’s continue this conversation later.” In the beginning his new boundaries were hard to swallow but it became easier the more I felt how valuable changing this behaviour was for my relationship. My husband and I became closer and more connected and that made it so worth it!
So I encourage you to create a new culture of respect in your relationship and to set boundaries with your woman - at some point she will thank you for it!
Toxic Female Behaviour #3: Control Issues
The third toxic female behaviour in relationships is when a woman tries to control her partner’s choices, lifestyle and relationships with others. This behaviour is sometimes difficult to recognise because when people think of controlling, they mostly think of a masculine behaviour.
However, when you look around you, how many couples do you see where the woman goes shopping for her partner, arranges social engagements on the weekends, tells him what haircut to get and manages the couple’s finances?
Of course this doesn’t mean that she has controlling issues per se but if she always has to has it her way, if she doesn’t accept your outfit or hairstyle choice, if she “forbids” you to spend money on a new playstation or tells you how to speak with you friends or family members then she has control issues!
The reasons why this is a toxic behaviour:
It creates a mother-son dynamic in the relationship -> kills attraction on both sides!
It undermines your masculinity, making you feel weak and disrespected -> destroys your confidence and playfulness!
It makes her feel exhausted and stressed -> makes fulfilling intimacy impossible (women need to feel relaxed in order to open up on an intimate level)!
Solution: Take Charge Of Your Life
If you notice your girlfriend or wife exhibiting controlling behaviour and you want to change it, you can simply let her know that from now on you will manage your life and she should manage hers.
You can do this in a loving way, for example invite her to a nice dinner and tell her that you realised that some unhealthy patterns have crept up in your relationship and you would like to change them. Don’t blame her or tell her that she has control issues! Talk about that it’s important for you to sort out your own life and that you have appreciated what she’s done but that she doesn’t need to take care of this anymore.
Should she slip back into old patterns, let her gently but firmly know that from no one you’ll make your own choices and will manage your own life. If she starts to fight you on this, it’s maybe an idea to make her aware that she might be having control issues. But I would tread very carefully here because many women are not aware of this at all! What you can also do is ask her if she’s struggling with anxiety and what’s the reason that she feels like she has to control things.
Similarly to when a someone is hyper-critical, the person who is controlling does not enjoy it and at some point they will be glad that you are helping her change this behaviour! Control issues are always a coping mechanism from childhood and usually mask a deep sense of unsafety and anxiety. So, you putting up boundaries and not letting her control you anymore can be a chance for her to look at the root cause of her control issues and heal her underlying anxiety (instead of masking it with control!).
What It All Comes Down To: Respect!
I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again and again - men need respect like they need oxygen! So naturally, all toxic female behaviours in relationships is marked by a lack of respect.
So if you want to make it really simple, focus on creating an atmosphere on respect in your relationship. As soon as you feel disrespected you know that there are some unhealthy dynamics at play. Learn how to set boundaries in a loving but firm way.
If you do this, you’ll not only feel amazing in relationships but also the connection, love and intimacy with your partner will skyrocket. And for this your woman will be very grateful - even though in the beginning it will seem as though the things you are changing are not in her best interest.
They are, though, because when a man feels respected in relationships he naturally wants to protect, cherish and value his love - and that’s what most women want after all (even if it’s buried deep, deep down under a lot of feminist conditioning!).
Related Blogs:
Why Unconditional Respect Is So Important For Men In Relationships
Why Women Aren’t Interested: 3 Dating Mistakes 99% Of Men Make
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