My Husband Is Not Attracted To Me: 5 Expert Steps To Get His Love Back
Can you remember how it felt when you were first dating your husband? The spark, the attraction, the attention? And now it seems to have totally fizzled out … Instead of romantic dinners you eat in front of the television or try to keep the kids in check during family dinner.
You can’t even remember the last time he took you out on a date … Let alone having some intimate, connected moments with just the two of you …. In fact you’re thinking: “My husband is not attracted to me anymore! Weren’t men supposed to be the ones who ALWAYS wanted it?!”
As a Relationship Coach I see this happening in so many marriages and it breaks my heart because I know exactly what’s going wrong … So in this article I’ll explain exactly why he’s not attracted to you anymore and 5 expert steps to get his love & affection back!
Why He’s Not Attracted Anymore
Firstly, let me make clear that it’s not about the way you look! Yes, attraction is also about looks but unless your appearance has changed drastically this is usually a minimal factor. Men are much more easygoing when it comes to attraction, if you have a bit of boobs and butt, they’ll find you hot - don’t worry about it!
Instead what you need to change is your behaviour towards him. And if I had to summarise it in one sentence, it is about being respectful. Yes, the most potent aphrodisiac for men is being treated with respect.
As long as you do you’ll be his queen and he’ll do everything for you (including carrying you Tarzan-style to the bedroom while you’re shriking and pretending to be offended while you’re having the time of your life!).
“The most potent aphrodisiac for men is being treated with respect!”
But before you click away and think: “No, THIS can’t be the reason why my husband is not attracted to me anymore!” - hear me out! This is the biggest blind spot amongst women - we are not aware how we disrespect men on a daily basis and systematically kill their attraction towards us! So, here are 5 expert steps to getting his love & affection back, focused on bringing respect as a central value into your marriage!
Step 1: Let Him Be In Charge Of His Life
Stop micro-managing your husbands life! Maybe he’s never voiced this to you, maybe he even seems to like it, maybe he doesn’t seem capable to organise his own life - it doesn’t matter, you need to stop!
Micro-managing him creates a mother-son dynamic within your relationship, which kills intimacy! It’s also deeply disrespectful because you make him feel as though you don’t trust that he can take care of himself (and I understand you weren’t aware of this but you need to acknowledge your own mistakes in order to improve).
Imagine back in the days when men were warriors - can you think of something hotter? A man who goes into battle to fight for freedom, his family, his country - the reason why we find this so attractive is because we see a man that is COMPLETELY in charge of his own life - in fact, he commands life!
So if you make your husband feel as if he can’t even do simple tasks like choose his own wardrobe, remember his own appointments or take the kids out for the day without you checking on him, he’ll feel like your incapable, untrustworthy son - big turnoff!
For this you’ll need to work on your feelings of needing to control him and trust that he can do it - and he will, if you give him a chance (trust me, I’ve seen it 1000 times!). Yes, he will do things differently than you would do it but that’s okay. And if something goes wrong, he can deal with it - if you let him.
It’s actually the most freeing feeling to give up control over your husband’s life! It’s soooo relaxing to just focus on your own life and let him do this thing - you’ll feel like a goddess (and that’s how we women are supposed to feel!).
In this video below I’ll share my journey of letting go of control of my husband’s life and how amazing it has been for our relationship:
Step 2: Make Space For Him In The House
Men need space! It’s completely okay that you’re in charge of decorating and managing the house (he probably prefers that!) but he needs one space that is completely his with clear boundaries that you need to honour.
For example, my husband’s office is his sanctuary. I won’t go in there and clean or sort out his stuff - it’s off limits for me. He’s also free to decorate however he pleases and to be messy if he wants. It’s his space and I respect that.
Having his own space will make your husband feel that he has a ‘cave’ that he can retreat to when things get too much. This is can bring so much relaxation and ease into a relationship because everybody needs a space that is completely theirs.
The privacy this offers will make him feel like he has freedom within your relationship and also that you respect his boundaries. For him this is a sign of your love - and he’ll pay you back in affection, romance and gifts 💗
Step 3: Keep A Respectful Tone
Respectful communication should be a ventral value in every relationship. And I get that this has to be a two-way road. However, as an expert on men I want to tell you that speaking to my husband in a respectful tone has been an absolute game-changer in my marriage!
What does a respectful tone mean?
When you’re asking a question, address him politely
If you need something make requests instead of demands (“You need to take the trash out!” -> “Darling, would you mind bringing the trash out?”)
In a conflict, don’t raise your voice
No belittling, passive-aggressiveness, mean words
This is a fundamental relationship skill and if communication is a problem in your marriage, I strongly recommend to practice respectful communication. It will serve you not just in your marriage but in parenting, in your career and relationship with your family and friends - as said before, it’s a game changer!
And if you need support, please reach out - I know the path to a happy, fulfilling partnership and I’d love to show you how!
Respectful Tone & Attraction
In the beginning of the relationship with my husband I was continuesly being disrespectful in my communication with him.
My husband Matt and I 💛
He then was building up resentment because my behaviour was slowly chipping away on his masculine confidence. In turn he did not wanted to be close with me anymore and especially on an intimate level.
Even now when I sometimes slip back into disrespectful communication I can immediately feel how he retreats from me. So, creating a habit of keeping a respectful tone will keep the attraction strong between you and will make him feel in love with you forever!
If this is something you are craving for but you don’t know how to get there book a relationship coaching session with me - I can support you in creating loving communication in your relationship and to create an atmosphere of harmony, support and true partnership in your household!
Step 4: Only Talk About Him In A Positive Way
Nothing demoralises a man more than his wife talking negatively about him in front of other people.
Don’t do this when your in a social setting together:
Complain about him
Talk about his failures at work, with the kids, in your marriage etc.
Make jokes about him (There is huge difference between fun teasing and jokes that go under his skin.)
Tell stories about how he messed up (Again, I don’t mean telling funny stories that entertain you both but stories where is portrayed like a loser!)
I know that men usually don’t show it but their wife’s opinion means a lot to them! So if he thinks that you truly think that he’s lazy, stupid, arrogant etc., he’s going to internalise it - and often that means that he’ll show these qualities even more.
Furthermore, a healthy marriage functions like a team - that means to be loyal, committed and have each other’s back. So every time you talk negatively about him in front of others you will step by step destroy his trust and make him feel that he doesn’t want to be a team with you either!
No Men-Trashing With Your Girlfriends!
But talking about him only in a positive way means also to not gossip about him with your girlfriends!!! Yes, you can share some fun, light-hearted stories and also talk about your feelings in a sincere way when there are problems within your marriage.
But, what you need to stop, is trash talking your husband (and all men for that matter). This means on girls nights you can’t go on for hours about all the ways in which he is incompetent and insensitive and a way worse parent than you are!
Even if he won’t ever find out what you’re saying, it will stay in your energy field and on a subconscious level he’ll feel it. If this is something you find difficult I suggest that you examine your core beliefs about men. If you find that you hold negative core beliefs about men in general I would work on changing them because it will have a very negative impact on your marriage!
If ,however, you’re fiercely loyal, only speak highly of your husband and have a value of never gossiping about men, your husband will lay at your feet and shower you with love, affection and desire - forever!
“If you’re fiercely loyal and only ever speak highly of your husband, he’ll shower you with love, affection and desire - forever!”
Step 5: Ask For His Advise
Many women today have been brought up with the belief that the most important thing is to be as strong and independent as possible. There is nothing wrong with this but in marriages this often means that the wife would rather struggle than ask her husband for help and advise. Also, she’ll often react in an annoyed way when he’s offering his opinion.
I understand where you’re coming from, however, it doesn’t make you a weak woman to ask for advise - it makes you human. Furthermore, men love to help and be of service! You’re actually robbing him of the chance to be off assistance to you and nothing usually makes him feel more useful and needed.
I always thought that if I ask my Dad or husband for advise, they will think I’m stupid and incompetent but this is totally not the case!
They think I'm highly competent and are very glad when I sometimes need their help because then they feel that have an important place in my life - which they absolutely do. So ask for his advise and receive it graciously - it will do wonders for the long-term attraction in your marriage!
Getting His Love & Affection Back Is Totally Possible!
If you’ve read this article and these steps seem totally overwhelming - it’s okay! Most of us have never learnt how to build harmonious relationships and how to understand the what the opposite sex needs to feel good in relationships. That you are here and making the effort of learning is already a huge step - well done!
But believe me - if you follow these steps you’re husband WILL be attracted to you again and you’ll get his love & affection back. Men are unique but also very similar - trust me, I’ve studied them for years!
And if you need support in this, book a coaching session with me - your relationship happiness is so worth it!
Related Blogs:
Relationship Coaching For Couples: When Is It Time To Get Help
7 Advanced Communication Skills To Save Your Relationship
Why Unconditional Respect Is So Important For Men In Relationships
The most important thing to understand about men is that they value being respected more than they value feeling loved. Sounds quite crazy, right? Isn’t love the most important thing?!
