Relationship Coaching For Couples: When Is It Time To Get Help
Relationships are the foundation of our wellbeing - we need people around us that love us, care for us and that we can belong with.
If we’re experiencing ongoing problems within our primary relationship, it’s like the foundation of our house is crumbling - leaving us shaken, stressed and unsupported.
If you’re in this situation and considering Relationship Coaching for Couples I want to help you understand if it is the right choice for you.
When to Consider Relationship Coaching for Couples
As a rule of thumb, I’d advise to get Relationship Coaching for Couples when the relationship consistently fails to meet your needs. Everyone of us has needs such as respect, understanding, freedom, adventure & harmony (see image for a full list of needs).
Every relationship goes through rough times where some or many of our needs are unmet but if this is an ongoing situation, it can have devastating effects on your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. So what do I mean with unmet needs? Here are some real-life examples:
Constant Arguments
When you’re experiencing constant arguments within a relationship, it means that many needs around peace and connection are not being met.
This is creates a constant feeling of stress within the nervous system because most people need the following needs met in order to feel safe:
harmony
care
closeness
order
empathy, etc.
The reasons for constant arguments are either missing relationship skills such as conflict resolution and teamwork or unresolved patterns from childhood (see below). Often it is also a mix of both, making it very difficult to find common ground and create a feeling of understanding and partnership within the couple.
Lack Of Communication
Another sign of unmet needs and that it might be time to get relationship coaching for couples is a lack of communication. This can have various manifestations:
One or both partners don’t talk much.
One or both partners talk about superficial things but never open up emotionally.
One or both partners communicate on a deeper level but only when the relationship is harmonious, as soon as there is a problem, they close off.
This creates disconnection within the couple, making one or both partners feeling emotionally starved. It can also lead to feelings of unsafety within the relationship because one or both partners feel that they don’t actually know each other.
“A lack of communication creates disconnection within the couple, making one or both partners feeling emotionally starved.”
The reason for a lack of communication are usually childhood experiences, where one has not learnt how to communicate on a deeper level or has been punished or shamed for being “too emotional” or “too soft”. In relationship coaching, the couple can learn simple and effective communication tools that restore feelings of connection and emotional intimacy and fill the needs of companionship, mutuality and safety.
Unhealthy Patterns
Most people don’t consciously think about how to “do relationships”, they copy what they have seen growing up. And when you reflect on your childhood, there were probably some unhealthy patterns in your family, for example:
not being listened to
passive-aggressiveness
emotional blackmailing
pressure to behave in a certain way
If you don’t address theses issues, they often sneak their way into adulthood, primarily into romantic relationships. What makes this so painful is that the same needs that were not met in your childhood, are unmet again, creating the torturous feeling of never being able to receive the thing we so desperately need!
For me this was emotional connection, particularly with a man. In my childhood my father couldn’t emotionally be close with me and so I always longed to experience this with a partnership. But because I was unconscious of my childhood patterns, I repeatedly experienced emotional disconnection with men - until I addressed the issue at it’s root!
Relationship Coaching for Couples helps you become aware of these unresolved patterns and change them, leading to not only greater harmony within your relationship but also a feeling of deep healing because finally the missing needs of your childhood are met!
How Unmet Needs Can Make You Sick
Our social and emotional needs are as significant as our physical needs. This means that a person can develop severe physical or emotional ailments when their needs are unmet for a long period of time. Constant arguments or a lack of communication strain the nervous system enormously and create a high level of stress in the body.
“A person can develop severe physical or emotional ailments when their needs are unmet for a long period of time.”
The reason for this is that we are evolutionary wired for connection because our ancestors could only survive in groups. So anything that feels like we might be at risk of exclusion (like constant arguments and a lack of communication) activate our physical alarm response and signal to the body that this is an emergency!
So learning how to have healthy relationships is actually a healthy hack (who would have thought!). Consider this when you’re making the decision if relationship coaching for couples is the right step for you. In my own life I experienced a dramatic increase in my health when I started practicing conscious relating with my husband Matt - for the first time in my life I felt emotionally safe and deeply connected with someone!
- My husband Matt and I -
The Benefits of Relationship Coaching for Couples
Relationship coaching for couples is a tailor-made experience, addressing the topics that you specifically need support with. It commonly helps couples with:
Respectful Communication
Conflict Resolution
Rediscovering Intimacy
Setting Mutual Goals
Being A Great Team
Having Fun Together (Very important for long term relationship happiness!)
In my coaching I go a step further and teach couples how to build conscious relationships. This means that the relationship becomes a place of inner healing, creating deep feelings of belonging and intimacy within the couple!
Asking For Help Is A Sign Of Strength
Our world is slowly shifting away from the stigma around reaching out for support - luckily! I find it deeply sad how many lives have been wasted in unhappy relationships, when there are so many amazing coaches, tools and resources out here! I’ve seen it with my parents - they actually love each other but have both such terrible relationship skills (from childhood!) that their relationship was always argumentative and stressful.
So don’t do the same - your relationship is worth fighting for! And if you need support, book your couple’s coaching session now - I’d be happy to support you to build a thriving marriage filled with respect, desire and love!
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